LEADING BY EXAMPLE

(Written in November 2008, whilst working in a mental health setting)

This week, I drank far too much bad coffee, met a Dutch ex-wrestler called Bas and made a windbreak out of Lego. The budding Sherlock’s amongst you will have already deduced that these apparently disparate acts when added together can only mean one thing – a leadership and management course. Mine was run by an organisation called S.C.W.W.P. (pronounced SQUIP) – a government funded local council initiative, which means it will probably be shelved in a year’s time, to be replaced by some other bizarre acronym.

 During a recent appraisal interview, the centre manager informed me she’d put my name forward for the course. I smiled and replied “Oh, good”, while thinking, Oh Christ, what monumental fuck up have I perpetrated to deserve such punishment? So, with quiet resignation, plus the consolation prize of a week away from the unit I sat down in the Uber-smart University conference room, scribbled my name on a large bi-fold card and waited for my classmates to file in. Bare faced lies about reasons for attendance and perfunctory introductions were exchanged before Bas, the course tutor strode in with all the confidence and swagger of a royal bouncer.

He was at least six feet five in his wrestling boots, resembling a youthful muscle bound Clive James, sporting a Rolex Oyster and gun metal Bvlgari glasses. I could tell by his clipped phrasing and end of sentence ‘hmm, hmm's’ he was either a Serth African Boer or a Scandinavian natural. He confirmed the latter with a brief introductory speech about Antwerp and its nightlife. First days are a little like first dates. There’s so much information to digest that I only retain the stuff told to me during my own small caffeinated window in which I gabble and nod a lot.

Most of my fellow detainees were either council administrators or children’s nurses, bringing with them tales of pointless beaurocracy and embittered attitudes towards inept and power-crazed management. Luckily, Bas handled this disillusionment and bad feeling with aplomb, citing his own difficult passage through the business ranks with witty stories of sheer tenacity in the face of overwhelming ineptitude as well as decoding our own examples of trauma and frustration. He talked of personality traits, business models and performance targets, drawing from his varied background in pharmacological sales, middle management and teaching.  

On day three he split the group into two, gave each one a carrier bag filled with Lego and told us to build a tower in thirty minutes. Prior to this we had established our respective work types, with the aid of an ingenious ‘personality compass’ and rigorous Psychometric questionnaire. Bas was by his own admission an Operations Director or O.D, displaying directness, a no-nonsense attitude and strong desire to get the job done. I, on the other hand was due south of all things organised. I was quickly identified as a Liaison Officer or L.O by my limp agony aunt approach and “lets discuss and make sure everyone’s on board” mentality. Consequently, while we waffled on about roles and responsibilities our rivals were finishing floor thirty of Canary Wharf. In a ‘five minutes to go’ panic I hurled plastic bricks at my open-mouthed team members and screamed “just build a fucking wall!” Bas circled like a media savvy shark complete with Handy Cam and smug expression.

What will I take back to my cosy little work place? Will it be the lessons in assertiveness and calm unflappable discourse? Could it be the personality compass, body language pointers and time management charts - Possibly? What I won’t do is steamroll my way through and over some of my colleagues more questionable traits whilst at the same time collating all the necessary data for my own version of How to Lose Friends and get sacked. Leadership and management isn’t a quick fix solution. Bas made a short speech as we filed out of the classroom.

          “I don’t want you to rush back to your respective workplaces and start pissing people off. It’s far better to start off as cameraman, moving around observing and identifying some of the aspects of the course. When you’ve filled your camera with enough footage you can progress to editor, director and even producer if the mood takes you.”

I’m more of a second or third Directors assistant - full of great ideas but unconcerned with how to achieve them. 

“Lights, camera, inaction!”