Granny Sketch

SCENE 1

A young woman is pushing her adorable Granny around a busy supermarket. She is in a wheelchair with a trolley attached to the front. The old lady is holding her handbag firmly with both hands, resting it on her lap. She is all smiles, nodding/saying hello to harassed mothers with babies and everyone that passes by. The young woman seems to be in a hurry. They stop at the deli. The young woman is called Sandra and the old lady is simply Granny.

SANDRA       (Sounds harried) Do you want anything from the Deli mother?

GRANNY      looking into the eyes of the deli assistant “This is my grand-daughter, Sandra. She’s in the city you know, buys premium bonds and sells them to rich gullible Americans.

SANDRA       Sighing. “Government bonds and gilts actually. She smiles. The young lady wants to serve you Granny, what would you like? Some bacon perhaps? Mmm, looks tasty?” Sandra points at the bacon behind the glass counter.

GRANNY      “Tell her about your last scam?” Granny looks up at Sandra.

                        You said it netted a handsome profit, once you’d paid off that man who gave you the inside track on that American company.”

SANDRA       (Nervously, in a wavering voice) “The young lady wants t-to serve you Granny. What would you like?”

GRANNY      “I’ve got a portfolio you know. Sandra helped put it together. Used some of her ill-gotten gains to set it up. (Giggles) All Blue Chop companies.” She pats her handbag, satisfyingly.

SANDRA       Looks at the shop assistant and whispers "she's got alzheimer's" a little too loudly, rotating her index finger over her ear at the same time. She points at her granny, then sticks her tongue out the corner of her mouth to symbolise her madness.

GRANNY      “Don’t whisper dear, it’s rude. (Pause) Have you got shares in Sainsbury’s?  Pause. The assistant looks worried as there is a large queue of people waiting to be served. Sandra will help you out won’t you Sandra?” She looks up at Sandra, smiling again. She’s expensive mind, but very determined. What is it you say about Stockbrokers? The difference between stockbrokers and Pawnbrokers?”

SANDRA       Looking resigned to humiliation. Said in a deadpan way, smiling thinly “Stock brokers have more balls.”

GRANNY      “More balls.”  Granny starts laughing. “More balls, get it?”

                        A couple of people snigger behind her. One person coughs impatiently.

                        Another starts sighing very loudly.

SANDRA       “That’s it!” Sandra snaps. Do you wants some ruddy bacon or what Gran? Granny looks worried; she shakes her head timidly. I’m sure these people have genuine requests for food, unlike you. You, on the other hand are quite happy making a fool of yourself and me. (Shouting) Does anyone want to buy a loony old lady? She’s low maintenance. Just plonk her in front of the telly and feed her chocolate biscuits, you won’t hear a peep out of her. Isn’t that right Granny?

GRANNY      Quietly, lowering her head. “I think I need the loo.”

SANDRA       “Oh I forgot. If you don’t ration the cups of tea she’ll ruin your expensive three piece, won’t you granny?” Granny looks upset. The onlookers look uneasy. No takers? Well, we’d better try somewhere else then. She starts to wheel Granny away. Hmm, perhaps there’s a batty old lady bin next to the bottle bank.”

GRANNY      Looks back at the assistant. “That Cheddar looked nice”