Shop Talk (1)
Due to popular demand, (an old lady who breezed in to the shop, failed to rent anything and said I should be a writer) I have decide to distill, condense and generally compress the funnier conversations, incidents and observations into a weekly blog-type format. So here goes :-
Thursday
All quiet until about 7pm, whereupon a couple came into the shop arguing about which dvd to select. The woman, an elfin be-pierced beauty, smelling like a 10 stone bath-bomb, demanded that her lust for blood be satisfied, or as she put it "What ave you got with ghosts and lots of blood in?" As she uttered these words I noticed her eyes brighten and both fists clench. Her roaming, gawky partner tutted loudly and shook his head. I dread customers who ask my opinion on must-see Horror flicks. My stock answer is something along the lines of "I'm afraid I don't watch much horror, but this is a popular rental." At this point I select a film at random and wave it around a bit. "Seen it." replied the elf, crouching down to peruse the older films. Clearly out of my filmic comfort zone I clutch at straws, churning out titles like a captured soldier, fearing imminent torture. While she rummages, he grabs two of the latest releases and slams them down on the counter. "Come on, we haven't got time for this!" he barks, thrusting a fiver in my direction. I ask for his membership details and deposit the warm, crumpled note in the till. The woman stands up, takes the two films and glares at the man, hand on hip. "Not these again. I don't know why we get two anyway. You always fall asleep before the end." I smile like an unpaid Marriage Guidance Counsellor and they both leave.
There are two types of housefly - Those that buzz in through an open window at speed, do a quick reccy of the place and then leave. The other type, those locked-in, lazy, brazen, blighters that crawl over every surface, probably realising their wings are now redundant. A swarm of these has taken over the shop. I attempt to ambush them with all manner of swatting implements - newspapers, flip-flops, tea-towels and all of my limbs, without success. They are probably the most fragrant insects on the planet, relishing the clouds of choking Febreze that I spray at them. Their favourite haunt is my laptop screen. Whether it's the warmth that attracts them, or the bright images I'm unsure. They even have the temerity to pause, clean their wings and legs while my quivering hand hovers inches above them. Enough is enough!Tomorrow, I'm going to buy some runny honey and lure them to a sticky end. Do flies like honey?
Due to popular demand, (an old lady who breezed in to the shop, failed to rent anything and said I should be a writer) I have decide to distill, condense and generally compress the funnier conversations, incidents and observations into a weekly blog-type format. So here goes :-
Thursday
All quiet until about 7pm, whereupon a couple came into the shop arguing about which dvd to select. The woman, an elfin be-pierced beauty, smelling like a 10 stone bath-bomb, demanded that her lust for blood be satisfied, or as she put it "What ave you got with ghosts and lots of blood in?" As she uttered these words I noticed her eyes brighten and both fists clench. Her roaming, gawky partner tutted loudly and shook his head. I dread customers who ask my opinion on must-see Horror flicks. My stock answer is something along the lines of "I'm afraid I don't watch much horror, but this is a popular rental." At this point I select a film at random and wave it around a bit. "Seen it." replied the elf, crouching down to peruse the older films. Clearly out of my filmic comfort zone I clutch at straws, churning out titles like a captured soldier, fearing imminent torture. While she rummages, he grabs two of the latest releases and slams them down on the counter. "Come on, we haven't got time for this!" he barks, thrusting a fiver in my direction. I ask for his membership details and deposit the warm, crumpled note in the till. The woman stands up, takes the two films and glares at the man, hand on hip. "Not these again. I don't know why we get two anyway. You always fall asleep before the end." I smile like an unpaid Marriage Guidance Counsellor and they both leave.
There are two types of housefly - Those that buzz in through an open window at speed, do a quick reccy of the place and then leave. The other type, those locked-in, lazy, brazen, blighters that crawl over every surface, probably realising their wings are now redundant. A swarm of these has taken over the shop. I attempt to ambush them with all manner of swatting implements - newspapers, flip-flops, tea-towels and all of my limbs, without success. They are probably the most fragrant insects on the planet, relishing the clouds of choking Febreze that I spray at them. Their favourite haunt is my laptop screen. Whether it's the warmth that attracts them, or the bright images I'm unsure. They even have the temerity to pause, clean their wings and legs while my quivering hand hovers inches above them. Enough is enough!Tomorrow, I'm going to buy some runny honey and lure them to a sticky end. Do flies like honey?
